He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
