I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
