I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
