and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize