Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
