dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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