some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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