Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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