Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
