every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Randomize