I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
