He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
