How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
