I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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