Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
