Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
