I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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