Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
