My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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