i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
