I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
