I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
