So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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