you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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