Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
