Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
