I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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