If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
