Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
