I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
