and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Randomize
