did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
