FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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