did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
