I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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