you traded sex for a burrito?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
