Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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