if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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