when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize