I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Randomize
