She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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