Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
