I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
