in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
