Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
