she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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