at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
