please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
