Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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