I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
