My Higher Power is John Stamos
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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