so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
