I wish my penis had an off switch
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
