My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
