guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
operation harelip BJ is a go
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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