I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
