i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
