I could make wine with my vomit
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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