We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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