he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
